Sunday, July 17, 2011

Rambling 05 I don't feel like it....

Oh I so fucking hate this summer! I have a ton of things that I want to get out of my system, but this hotness is killing me! I just don't seem to have enough concentration to sit down and write. Plus I think I've managed to get myself into this type of state of mind that I hate... That type of state of mind where I only do things when I FEEL like it, or I cannot manage to do things UNLESSS I FEEL like it... That’s a very selfish way of thinking and I used to have a friend who drove me crazy with it. He always did things IF he felt like it. Everything always went like he wanted them to. Oh, I mean how he FELT that they should go. We always did what he felt like doing. And then there’s the fact that he never got anywhere with his life because he never learned how to control his attitude towards life and he let himself get very depressed and EVERYTHING gave him anxiety!! Everything!! That’s why he couldn't finish even basic school, he couldn't get/keep a job etc etc. He will probably live with the support of social services his entire life! Just because he didn't feel like studying, he felt bad, he felt anxious about it.... And that is not what I want. I have goals and dreams about life, and I'm GOING to make them happen! So I need to get out of this... this... thing! I want to write when I have a good moment for it, not when I FEEL like it. Right now it’s really hard for me to catch the thought I have had earlier and put it in writing, but I bet that I can practice it. It’s a skill. And I want to master it. Not only to manage my own time better, but I really really really need it for studying! I'm going to continue taking courses at the open university this fall, and I really need to be able to start writing when needed. I need to be able to catch my train of thought every night so I can study and write and to the tasks they give us. And I REALLY need to work on my concentration. I have a huge problem in remembering what I've just read. Even when I read this text after I wrote it, I had trouble in remembering what was in it, and I have trouble concentrating to the text. You know the thing when you start to read a sentence and you forget what you were reading in the middle of the sentence and the you have to start over... Several times... Cos you can't concentrate. I've been having that problem for several years.
   Plus I've also had anxiety about studying for years. The reason being my troubles in concetrating etc. I haven't been able to pass courses and if you don't pass courses, you won't graduate! If I don't graduate ever, I don't get a good enough job that will pay for my dreams! So I need to get my act together. And I mean, I like studying! I love to learn new stuff and I have genuine interest in psychology and other subjects! I got really good grades in high school specially in the psychology classes, and I didn't even study! Aaaand right now, that is biting me in the ass. I was smart in high school, but now when studying at a university level, I'm an idiot! I don't know shit! So no more smart comments and being the teachers favourite etc...And that's one of the things that is giving me anxiety, I'm so afraid to say anything in class cos it might sound stupid, or I haven't actually understood what was the topic of discussion.
     Later on I found out that our high school was actually very very crappy and it gave me a very bad base knowledge in some subjects, and of course cos I didn't study as hard as I did in previous years. So know I need to work like a million times harder than I thought I'd have to. So yay...
     But you know, it's all about your attitude. And you can make decision on what kind of stand are you going to take. It's a decision. You need to make a conscious decision. What is your attitude towards studying? I've had a very crappy attitude for a long time, and now I'm consciously making an effort to change it. Every time I get anxiety when thinking about studying and school, I start exploring all the different kind of attitude possibilities that would help me to view it without the anxiety. I need to find the attitude that is positive and helps me go forward instead of holding me back. Like; yes, I've fucked up many courses already and wasted time, but it's not too late to start over and fix it. It's not too late to keep going. And you can't get stuck on the things you've fucked up. Everybody fucks up at some point, and people keep fucking up all through life. It's a life long learining experience. So you can't stay on the thought that you've made a mistake. Not even when you're like 30 or 40 or 50. It's not too late to start doing things differently. If you stay stuck in the mistake you did, you will miss all the other good things that are still going to happen to you in your life.

Well that’s that... Then I'm going to make a post about a LOT of random things :)